Thursday, October 18, 2012

Grown up

This is my daughter and she thinks she is ready to tackle the world.  She has in her mind the only thing that matters is getting out of my house.  She doesn't care about school as much as she cares about getting out of my house.  My heart hurts because of this and I think back at what I have done wrong.  She says its because we are so controlling.  She has a bedtime (11:00pm), she has a curfew when she goes out usually (11pm on weekends and 10pm on school nights), she has a limit on her phone that doesn't allow her to text at her bedtime because she has a bad habit of texting until 1 am on school nights if we don't have that rule in place and its not just a rule we have controls on her phone.  We also have controls on her phone because she was texting in school so she can't text during school hours.  Also we have controls on the internet so she can't stay up all night online.  She thinks because she is 17 years old she needs more freedom.  I pay for the phone and the rules in place for her are only there because she has never learned from her mistakes. I have gave her many trials with relaxed texting and she would break the rules, and I know right now if we turned that off she would look me right in the face and say she wouldn't mess up but her grades would drop instantly and I would see text on her phone in the wee early hours of the morning.  

She has a lot on her plate still with this being her Senior year.  She has another ACT to take and studying to do/practice tests.  She has a special thing for All state (Outstanding Choral Student) that she has to be working on her piece.  She has a tough schedule with school work being an IB student.  There is just so much for her to worry about and her focus is solely on getting the hell out of my house.  I do not abuse her. I have rules yes but they hardly do anything to earn the things they do have and I see no reason on earth why she would need to text way late at night on school nights.  I see no reason why she would need to be out later than 11 pm unless special occasions which I am willing to relax that time if she is going to something that doesn't end until later, its not like I make her leave early.  I know its rough being a teenager and I just wish someone would have set some boundaries for me.  That is what I have done for her and she hates me for it, but I am not willing to relax these things.  When she is in college I don't see myself having these sort of rules for her as she will be more responsible for herself at that time, she will paying for her school because I can't afford to meaning what she doesn't get in scholarships or grants she has to get a student loan for and she has to pay it back.  So if she stays up all night and then I guess that is her choice. Guess she thinks I am too harsh on her but she doesn't understand how she doesn't really give me much to go on either.  She never cleans her room unless she wants to go somewhere and then she only does it because that is a rule she can't go out if her room is a disaster.  The only thing the kids have to do is work hard in school and do the best they can do (no zeros on homework), clean up after themselves and keep their room in order, help me feed the animals and pick up the house from time to time, and use their privileges wisely.  

She doesn't even drive.  We need to sell her bug so we can buy her another vehicle. I bought a for sale sign for the bug, I  have asked her to crank it and if it needs jumped off because it hasn't been cranked in awhile to see if Thomas will help her get it jumped off. To wash it and help me sell it.  I bought it for her, it was a mistake but I was buying her what she said she wanted.  I regret buying that car for her, but its done now and we can't get another one until that one is sold.  She wont wash it, hasn't tried to crank it and the for sale signs still sit in her room waiting on her to do something. Why should I do it all? Why should I do everything! She needs her Senior portrait made and I have asked her to call the portrait studio the school is using for the drape picture and schedule an appt since the summer when she was sitting at home all day with nothing better to do, but she still hasn't called to make said appt.  I just reminded her again this week. Its the principle of the matter, she needs to grow up and be more responsible and she should be able to handle some of these things. 

I am so worried about her.  I am not going to let her outrageous comments about how bad it is to live here affect me though. She says no other parents are like me, and I say... I don't care! I am doing what I feel is right and that is all I can do. I am not perfect, there is manual to raising kids and I started way early with her. We have been through alot and knowing that all she cares about is getting as far away from here as she can as quickly as she can and her so rudely displaying her feelings to me just make me shrug my shoulders and say I am trying. I have tried and I will continue to try to be the best me I can be. I am not perfect. I do what say I am going to do. Like if I say I am going to run a half marathon then I am unless of course I am injured or something like that I will do it the best I can. She tells me she is going to and she quits 2 weeks into it. Just quits. Doesn't even want to try anymore. She lost the entry fee too because she had already paid for it. She worked a job and her car was giving her fits and the job is 1.5 miles from the house... that is it. Not only that she has friends and ways she could get a ride if she didn't want to walk because I was at work and couldn't take her to her job, instead of making it happen, finding a way to work she just quit, no notice nothing, just quit. Used the car as an excuse.  She is so immature that I am so terrified for her.  My heart hurts I am loosing my baby girl and she doesn't hesitate to let me know this, when all I have ever done is try to be the best I could be.  I guess I am a complete failure. My son wants to live with his dad and hates me, so he says and my daughter is willing to throw everything away to just get the hell out of my house. I am to the point I am tired of trying. I am so tired of giving and accepting and giving and accepting.  I am so very proud of her and her accomplishments thus far.  She has some weakness as do we all, and I am not trying to point those out here. I am simply trying to express my heartache and disappointment.   I love her, she is my sunshine, and always has been.  I miss her already!

1 comment:

  1. I am commenting on my own post because after much consideration I have decided to relax her time limits on her cell phone usage. Give another chance to do what she needs to do but not having such drastic guidelines to follow. Not only that but we will have a day week to spend time together to nourish our relationship so we don't lose it all together during these trying times for us. I love her and I am very proud of her and I don't feel I could have asked for a better daughter. She can conquer this world and she will do it beautifully! :)