A day or two or even three of nothingness, that's what I want! Where I can sleep as late as I want, wear my pjs as long as I want, read in my kindle, go outside and enjoy the weather, ride my bike, take some photos.... yes days that require no "have to's" or no "housework" or no "schedule".
Instead I am managing a family of 4, cleaning, organizing, and disorganizing again. I never get "caught up" anymore. I am so super duper busy it feels.
I love derby and can't wait to be awesome as I am no where close to that awesomeness, I get discouraged. All the time I have poured into skating, the bum is better, the mental block (errr Fear) seems to be improving and I honestly feel I can reach this goal. But its still going to require a lot more time! Time I don't have much of. I think if I only went to practice 3 days a week I wouldn't feel the strain of lots and lots of skate time, but we go on Tues, Thurs and Sunday before practice most weeks as well... that is 3 more practice sessions, which has me skating right at 5-6 times a week. Now the last 4 weeks haven't been very productive due the broken tail bone because well the fear out weighed anything and the discomfort kept the fear in check. Now, I have new AWESOME skates, less discomfort from my injury, so there are no excuses!
My legs were killing me in practice on Friday. It wasn't fatigue, it wasn't that I had over done it as I never really started. I love my new skates but they are taking me some time to get use to. I either get them too tight, or too loose and when I put my skates on, have no "skate alone, warm up time" as I make it at the rink right at or a little after and jump right in to a team warm up session that has me skating faster than I am use to (as I am just now feeling more confident of getting some speed up since the bum is better)...... and skate in a tight circle, with my skates too loose, well that causes certain muscles to tense up. Once that happens it is like an act of congress to get them loose! I mean I stretch and stretch, and OMG at the burning, tight feeling I have in the lower legs from trying to push through and skate but not having the skates right. Then I tighten the skates to only go out and practice 180 turns, and after about 5 of those my arches in my feet are tingling and one of my toes I can't hardly feel.... so I loosen the skates again. Never at all in practice did I get the skates where they were comfortable! Now at a skate session not a practice, I have time to work with the skates and once I get them where I like them I have been skating much better. I don't notice the burning in the lower legs, or any other discomfort like that annoying lil muscle that was bother me, but this is skating around the big rink in a regular skating session, its not the same as practice.
Now, one lady at the rink stopped and asked If I liked my new skates and I said yes I love them once I get them adjusted the way I like them. She said she was asking because she never could use the lower cut/speed type skates, she skates with the higher boot. She was mentioning to me the burning, tingling sensations she would get in the lower leg with the lower cut boot..... so now am I all is it ankle support? Is it that I weigh 50 lbs more than I should have had ankle injuries? But truthfully once I get the gear right.... I do ok! I mean if its not the shoes its the darn knee pads are pulled to tight, or too loose. lol I feel like I am trying to make excuses when in all fairness, I am not meaning to! I am soon to be 35. I see ladies out there older than me, I see ladies out there heavier than me.... so if they can do it I can do it!!!!!!!!! I would say its great exercises but the way I stop and go and stop and go I am not really getting much of a work out. I get more exercise out of the non skate time honestly.
Thomas is loving the skating we have done together, so I will continue to skate with him outside of the derby. So there should be tons of time for me to continue to improve.... He just built his own skates, with some really expensive components lol. His skates are probably 1000 dollar skates. He is trying to learn how to do jam skating and enjoying the time out on the rink.
I feel like I am the worst, slowest skater at practice, and even at the rink sessions. I am out of shape, learning to skate from the very beginning (as not ever skating as a child/teenager) and never really have found confidence on my skates. There was a brief moment about 2 times before the first day of boot camp that I was feeling less fear and trying new things and the confidence was there.... then I broke my ass and not only is it back to square one with the confidence but now the fear has taken a much larger roll. The more time I spend on them (without a broken bum) the more confidence I should find.... once confident other tasks like jumps, and really all the skills I need to have to play derby should be more easily reached. So now that I am 85-90% better from my injury and so close to being normal again I am not backing down from this agenda.
I am so far from doing jumps though... I know I should just face the fear and do it! Whats the worst that could happen? I fall on my ass? I hated not even attempting them in practice with a teammate of mine did so after just taking a bad fall and fell again.... so then now I am like all wimpy as I won't even attempt it. Geez it makes me so mad at myself.
The more pissed at myself I get the more determination I feel. I know I would have progressed a little more had I not had the injury and I know how bad it has been recovering from it more than anyone else because its my ass lol. I haven't wimped out here. I have stuck with it despite the facts that keep wanting me to stop.... I keep showing up and I keep putting on the skates. So I have accomplished that much. Now its time to reach those goals..... I keep meaning to practice by doing wall sits and wearing ankle weights and performing exercises to build up both my upper and lower legs as they are the main muscles I will use, but I honestly haven't put enough time in on this because its so damn hard to find time for anything anymore!!!!!!!! But, that is another excuse, that I don't have to make for myself.... I will simply have to find that time. Building up those muscles, strengthening my core, and spending time on the skates will make me an awesome skater. It just isn't going to happen over night, or not for me anyway!
Well time to get busy and get ready to go skate.