Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sucky blog Yes that was Sucky not Sookie

What a sucky blog I have.  I mean I type on it once in a friggin' blue moon.... I never post about the things that happen of interest and only get on here when I really have nothing to say.  GEESH!

I was reading The Pioneer Woman yesterday and an instant onset of envy filled me.  I love her blog, I love her writting style, but that isn't me.  I need my own style to shine through, but the fact is I just need to committ to my blog and post something daily.  Her blog is awesome if you are new person to the blog world you should definetly check her out.

Now.... what the heck is going on with me? I am stuck in a big ol rut.  I make myself promises like I am going to stick with a diet and lose weight and I order the most fattening things that I can get my hands on whenever and where I am.  I tell myself I am going to be a computer technician and I study sporatically for A+ and jump to Security + and make this plan and that plan for myself but I have lost that will and determination that I use to pride myself on, its just not there.  I am having to pull and push and bribe myself to open the damn book to study!  I tell myself I am going to have a clean, neat and organized home and this bites me in the ass every time I think about it, it instantly gets more cluttered then it was to begin before.  My job is still good but progressing to the same point that most every job I have had does, where I am taken advantage of.  Blah..

All that negativity.  I so want to find my determination and make myself accomplish some goals. 
I quit smoking 5 years ago on 9/12.  I managed to have two little ones and work full time and go to school at a very young age.  I have raised my kids thus far on my own income without any aid from their dads.  I have managed to buy a home of my very own on my very own.  I have ran up credit debt and paid it all off just to run it up again all on my own lol is that something to be proud of?  I am always proud when I pay it off... but I never even considered or thought about bankrupcy... as some folks bite off way more than they can chew.  I have a good head on my shoulders, pay my bills on time and manage the family the best I can (errr maybe not he best I can as I am lazy)... but ultimately I still have pride in myself.

What I am very unhappy about myself is that I can't seem to meet the resent goals I have presented myself.  I try and try and fail and fail again.  I can't even stick to a simple plan of walking my dog and therefor his is having a horrific time potty training but there is no one to blame besides me (well the rest of the family could assist a bit more in it too, it shouldn't be MY responsibility solely to walk the dog, but nevertheless he is my dog and I will take the responsibility).  I don't know where my courage/dedication/determination and even strength came from years ago and I am sure this is something about me that Thomas loved when he first me but that person has been gone for years.  I have talked myself and even him to death (well not literally of course) over what all I want to do and "this time I am really gonna do this" and every time a day or a week later poof it is gone!  Lately it hasn't lasted more than a few hours before I am ready to through my plans out the window.

I make lists of lists and then one more list of the things I am going to do, need to do, want to do, will try to do lol but seems I never get to cross anything off those lists... who is this lazy ass and where is Tonya?

I have to snap out of it.  I went so far to threaten getting rid of my chair so I have no place to sit (besides sharing a seat with Thomas for cuddling times)..... just so I can not have a place to sit and get lazy at... but then I will just be lazy somewhere else and be mad at myself for getting rid of my damn chair.


Anyway on a more up beat positive note.. my life is awesome despite my will power.  My kiddos are amazing.  My man is unbelievable amazing (A note for him, he puts up with all my shit all my laziness, all my neglect, and loves me despite all my failures and for this I am one blessed woman.  I only  hope to regain my confidence in myself and my decisions and reach my goals to make him proud to have me as his woman after all these years!)  My job is paying the bills, my home is a mess but oh so lived in, we have so many fun things we can and do as a family and/or a couple and that makes life absolutely grand despite my bitching lol.

This weekend for example... We have BAMA football on Saturday which we will watch on the TV and ATLANTA BRAVES on Sunday which we will be loading up the family and going to see in person.  Whoohoo.

Next weekend, not real sure what it holds but the kiddos will be at their dad's so Thomas and I will do something together (probably enjoy each other at home with football and Rueben.... that sounds like an awesome time in itself).

The following weekend I plan to try to head to KY to visit with my brother and his family.

Then we go back to Atlanta again for another braves game to celebrate Thomas' bday and have a great weekend.

Then we will have Halloween, Thanksgiving and Thomas and I will go on our trip to Ft. Lauderdale with Heather and Darin which I am soooooo looking forward to. 

See, life is busy and hectic and crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyy but oh so full of love and fun times and activities to keep from being bored. 


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