Monday, July 26, 2010

Its just this thing called life

I have been in a blah mood the last week, was high on life and then hit the lull that usually follows the high. 

Nothing to complain about, I have a gorgeous healthy family, a good job and life if ultimately amazing!

I have been down and out lately but mainly because of my own state of mind.  I know what is happening, I am being negative.  I have always seen the glass as half full and looked at the positive side of things.  Very optimistic.  I am happier when I am in this state of thought, when I start looking at all the bad things in a person or a situation then that starts eating at my soul and changing the mood I am in.   

I don't claim to be perfect, never have and never will be perfect.  I know that I am unusual and that I have my own annoying habits and things that others simply look past that are in my life.  What I don't like is someone placing blame on someone else all the time and never taking the thought that they could be wrong?  I will not be that person.  I am at fault in many situations and I admit that openly, I may not be as smart as someone, or I may view things differently than others but I am entitled to my own mistakes, my own thoughts and my own feelings. Be careful before you know it negativity can rub off on you.  I have been in this situation before, its like a repeat button has been hit.  I see it now, I see it clearly.  Negative thoughts, negative comments they will eat my soul a part, even if I am the one being negative.

I am capable of forgiving the most unforgivable things because of my thought process and how I view situations and people.  This is often what people like in me, my logic and reasoning is fair and often time if anyone is hurt in a situation it is myself as I will try to take the blame, or take the pain.  This gets me in trouble at times too, sometimes I try to smooth over a situation by making another one worse.

I don't give up easily, I fight for what I want in my life and the people that love.  I am not throwing in the towels on current situations with my children, I am simply sitting back, chillaxing and waiting... giving the situations time to start working themselves out as I know they will, they are great kids.  I see so many positive things in them it is UNREAL how freaking blessed I am.  I refuse from this moment on to harp on the small things, to fight with or make disappointed remarks about the way they are or the way they treat me sometimes.  These are kids that learn by my example.  If everything out of my mouth toward them is in a negative manner then I will get negative responses from them.  It never ends sometimes.  Thing is half of the stuff that they are fussed at about don't really bother me, if I saved that fussing for the things that do really bother me, instead of constant negativity then I will get better results. 

I know this makes no sense to anyone who reads it, but I am sorting out my own thoughts here.  I love my children.  They are who I am. They are my life.  They are my number one responsibility, my number one concern and my absolute everything.  It breaks my heart that my son was crying all night because he rather be with his dad then back at home with me, it breaks my heart that my daughter talks about wanting to go get a dress and how she wants to spend the night with her friend but she couldn't think of her wants/needs when I asked her to mop the floor last Friday.  There are things that are eating at me with them and with my relationship with Thomas and there is nothing I can say or do to make things right.  I can say that I see a positive side to all of these situations and I will simply keep my mind focused on those things and pray for happiness with us all.  We are all awesome people, who have our own minds, feelings and opinions.  Its life, and life is what we make it.  Mine is going to be happy!  I am going to love those that I hold dear to me for their goodness and even there badness as I know we are all perfectly imperfect. :)


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