Friday, July 30, 2010


I am so totally excited about my upcoming trip.  I am going to Pompano Beach Florida (near Fort Lauderdale) and spending a week (Dec. 5-11), not only am I going there, but I am going with one of my favorite people. 

Heather is someone whom I met 9 years ago, I can not believe it has been that long.  But it was.  I went on a trip to Maryland and met her as well as many more of my favorite people.  We use to all frequent a chat room (Single Parents) back when chat rooms were the thing.   We met most nights on there and greeted each other with hugs and kind words and that support group helped me through some of the toughest times of my life while I was raising my youngins, they provided me encouragement when I thought I couldn't do it, Love when I felt like I was forsaken by others, laughs when I was said, tears when I needed to cry and memories that will last forever.  I have made life long friends in some of those people.  People that I will forever feel grateful for and gratitude toward.  People like Heather.  I can name a few others (Laura, Joe, and Robert) all of which are still so very special, then there are people like Lillie and Brad whom I have never actually met, but remember how they met and fell in love through the online community and moved across the country to be together and now live down in Key Largo and get this, I will get to meet them finally after all these years on that week in December.  I don't keep good contact with them now, and don't have a clue what they have been up to, but I remember the chats in the room, with them and know we will have a blast down there! 

I am totally lucky that Heather and her Mom are flipping the bill for the room... All we have to do is fly down and have a rental car, food and entertainment for the week, so that saves us a grand or more easily and for that I am thankful! 

I am probably looking forward to it more than anyone! I have already put my leave request in at work so I can be sure to have the entire week off without complications.

Now, I have to find a babysitter for the week for the children (since they will still be in school, and quit possibly may be having exams that week).  I also need to get them started in school, so I can get the plane tickets and rental car..... then since I am going at Christmas time, I need to go ahead and start putting up funds toward the trip and toward Christmas so I don't mess things up for the kids or the trip lol I need to quit freaking eating out.

I am so totally excited... not to just get to spend a week in Florida or in paradise for that matter but to get to spend so much, much needed time with my friend Heather! I am stoked! :)

Oh yeah, get this...... on another note.  My son is a middle schooler (6th grader) and my daughter (sit down) is a Sophomore (10th grader)..... But I, I feel like a teenager still myself.  Maybe a few pounds, ok a lot of pounds, and many aches and pains later, but I am still a teenager.  I am in better spirits by changing my train of thought and thinking more like myself on a positive note! :) Life is good.
We are going to Point Mallard tonight for SAIC picnic, and tomorrow my daddy is coming to visit.  (Destiny is not going to point mallard with the family because she will be going to see some bands play at a local coffee house.... gosh she is growing up).


Monday, July 26, 2010

Its just this thing called life

I have been in a blah mood the last week, was high on life and then hit the lull that usually follows the high. 

Nothing to complain about, I have a gorgeous healthy family, a good job and life if ultimately amazing!

I have been down and out lately but mainly because of my own state of mind.  I know what is happening, I am being negative.  I have always seen the glass as half full and looked at the positive side of things.  Very optimistic.  I am happier when I am in this state of thought, when I start looking at all the bad things in a person or a situation then that starts eating at my soul and changing the mood I am in.   

I don't claim to be perfect, never have and never will be perfect.  I know that I am unusual and that I have my own annoying habits and things that others simply look past that are in my life.  What I don't like is someone placing blame on someone else all the time and never taking the thought that they could be wrong?  I will not be that person.  I am at fault in many situations and I admit that openly, I may not be as smart as someone, or I may view things differently than others but I am entitled to my own mistakes, my own thoughts and my own feelings. Be careful before you know it negativity can rub off on you.  I have been in this situation before, its like a repeat button has been hit.  I see it now, I see it clearly.  Negative thoughts, negative comments they will eat my soul a part, even if I am the one being negative.

I am capable of forgiving the most unforgivable things because of my thought process and how I view situations and people.  This is often what people like in me, my logic and reasoning is fair and often time if anyone is hurt in a situation it is myself as I will try to take the blame, or take the pain.  This gets me in trouble at times too, sometimes I try to smooth over a situation by making another one worse.

I don't give up easily, I fight for what I want in my life and the people that love.  I am not throwing in the towels on current situations with my children, I am simply sitting back, chillaxing and waiting... giving the situations time to start working themselves out as I know they will, they are great kids.  I see so many positive things in them it is UNREAL how freaking blessed I am.  I refuse from this moment on to harp on the small things, to fight with or make disappointed remarks about the way they are or the way they treat me sometimes.  These are kids that learn by my example.  If everything out of my mouth toward them is in a negative manner then I will get negative responses from them.  It never ends sometimes.  Thing is half of the stuff that they are fussed at about don't really bother me, if I saved that fussing for the things that do really bother me, instead of constant negativity then I will get better results. 

I know this makes no sense to anyone who reads it, but I am sorting out my own thoughts here.  I love my children.  They are who I am. They are my life.  They are my number one responsibility, my number one concern and my absolute everything.  It breaks my heart that my son was crying all night because he rather be with his dad then back at home with me, it breaks my heart that my daughter talks about wanting to go get a dress and how she wants to spend the night with her friend but she couldn't think of her wants/needs when I asked her to mop the floor last Friday.  There are things that are eating at me with them and with my relationship with Thomas and there is nothing I can say or do to make things right.  I can say that I see a positive side to all of these situations and I will simply keep my mind focused on those things and pray for happiness with us all.  We are all awesome people, who have our own minds, feelings and opinions.  Its life, and life is what we make it.  Mine is going to be happy!  I am going to love those that I hold dear to me for their goodness and even there badness as I know we are all perfectly imperfect. :)


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Now not so good

Well, I haven't complained too much lately so its time for rant.

My kids have forsaken me.  Its as though they don't even love me at all.  I do things for them, take them places, buy them clothes, pay for their extra activities, Destiny has a cell phone she does no work to earn whatsoever.... I tell them to do some chores and they both take off to their dads.  My son has been at his dads and rarely calls me, when he use to call me all the time and never be able to stay the whole month.  My daughter would still be at her dads if it wasn't for an activity with a sorority that she wants to join.  She does nothing all day long, including she doesn't watch the dog.... she lets him piss and shit and leaves it for when I get home, (now that is bad).... I take him out, and clean up his accidents as soon as they happen, so it is really frustrating to see the mess after coming home from work.  She lets him chew on things, he is a puppy!!! I put him in the kitchen/dining room area when I am away, I do it if I am going to walmart for an hour or to work for 8 hours.  I lock him in there while  I sleep at night because I don't want him getting a hold of important things.  She comes home for a week, and while I am at work and she is paying the dog no attention but letting him run loose he has chewed up her cell phone cord, and my computer cord (to a non working existence).    It pisses me off that when you ask or say something she is always like what? I didn't do it? Its not my fault the dog chews stuff.... but the truth is IT IS YOUR FAULT.  YOU LET HIM OUT AND DON'T WATCH HIM.  Leave him locked up if you are too damn lazy to care for a dog.  She wants money for this and that, hell she is planning on me buying a car for her but she does NOTHING for me.  She picks up 10 minutes before I walk in the door and calls that cleaning the house.  I have had it, absolutely had it.  I feel they both would rather live with their dads, the dads that DO NOTHING FOR THEM. No child support, no school supplies, no school activities, NOTHING but spoil them by not making them have chores and letting them do what they want when they are there.  Parts of me feels like they should go live with them long enough to get a taste of what that would really be like and realize all the things I do for them, and love that I give them, even though I make them work.  Most people don't bitch about their kids..... but kids can be so disrespectful now days.  I am understanding the heartache that comes along with having teenagers, and it sucks. 

My heart is broken.  My home is sometimes filled with so much negativity and I had being negative and being surrounded by negative thoughts and attitudes. 

My new plan, don't ask for me anything unless you have done something to deserve it.  I will keep the cell phone until it is earned back, I will buy only the essentials needed until you have earned more, and  I will not tolerate negativity in the home, that goes for everyone including myself.  If I have nothing nice to say or not a nice comment to make, and all I have to say is a compliant or negative comment, I will keep that to myself    to try to restore some positivity in the home. 

I have been in a great mood with the exercise and spending time with Thomas and having this new found "step" in my life, and I don't want to rain on that parade, but as anyone I have issues to deal with in the home still and even though life is good it is not perfect (who's is anyway right?). 

I hope things get better between the kids and I, I love them more than my own life and being... but I have never let their dads run over me, any man for that matter, never let my boss or even my own family take advantage and run all over me, and I will not let my children that to  me either.   Never thought in a million thoughts that my children would ever make me feel so unloved, unappreciated and just out right shitty.  This too shall pass, and hopefully my relationship with my children survive this.

I saw a girl the other day with her boyfriend she had to be no more than 14 years kissing and holding hands.  I am sorry that I find it distasteful to allow a child of that age to carry herself in such a manner, my rules and guidelines and expectation are plenty I know this, I only want what is best for my children... nothing more and nothing less.  As long as I am responsible for them I will always want them to strive to be the best they can in school, in behavior, in character and overall just in themselves.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Life is good! :)

I am so pleased with the way things are in my life, I am fearful that something bad may happen.  Life has never been so good to me.

My kids are distant, my son being at his dads since June 25th... I miss him terribly. My daughter spending a few weeks at her dads and then being a teenager who doesn't think her mom is cool anymore doesn't help us with bonding moments.  I miss them terribly, so don't get me wrong with what I am about to say, but I am living MY life.  For the first time since I can remember I am Tonya, doing what Tonya wants to do.  I was my mother's daughter and went straight from being that person to being my daughter's mother.... never was there a time for me to just be ME.  I am still my kids mother and Thomas' girlfriend and my employers worker, oh I am still those things to those people for I don't know how to express what I am trying to say... I am simply me! 

I have been doing things like going white water rafting, planning a trip to Key Largo, going on a hike on whim, taking off to Six Flags totally spur of the moment, no planning or worrying about this person or that person, just doing it!  There is a new bounce to my step. I wont say its a bigger bounce because I have always pretty much been happy with life, very thankful for all that I have been given, but this is a new step.  This is the step that most folks feel when they head off to college, or are living their life before children, that step that I missed.  I feel I am coming full circle with my life.  I love my children, I love my man, I love my home, I love my pets, I love my job and I love me! :)

This mood I have been in has me in the mood to move too, which is always a good thing.  I have been trying to walk in the morning with Ruben, and going kayaking, hiking or bike riding with Thomas lately to burn some of those pesky calories.  I feel lighter already, I feel my mood and body changing... I have a long way to go physical to where I have a desire to be, but I will get there, especially with the frame my mind is now... I will get there!

That is what I have been up to, for those who read my blog.  More to come... I have so many posts that are just waiting to be written, I will do that sometime, probably in the winter when I can't outside as much.

Oh yeah, I am also studying AGAIN for my A+ Certification. I am determined to do this.  I have 22 chapters to study in a book, then several practice tests to take and several acronyms to learn.... but I am hopeful that I will do this within the next 6 months (earlier would be better to do it before the end of the year)... soooo wont be spending too much time on my journal... but I will catch it up in time.

Keep it simple! :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Here I am again

Been super busy lately, the past few months actually.  Baseball came and went (thank goodness) and I have been too busy with life to enjoy my blog.  Although I will be kicking my own booty in a few years when I look back at this blog and realize I am missing so many months of my life. 

I have been loved the hell out of my kayak.  It is a new love in my life.  I have enjoyed all the time I have spent with Thomas out on adventures in the yaks.

I miss my children terribly.  It was nice at first but now it seems never ending.  They are their own people now and I know it gets pretty boring sitting at home all day and having nothing to do other than the list of chores I leave them, so I am glad they are going to visit family and enjoy their summer, school will be back in session before they can even blink too many times.  So, I don't blame them for not wanting to stay at home while I work all day, but they are missing out on alot of fun like camping, kayaking and this weekend we are even going white water rafting. 

I am enjoying the summer tremendously but kinda ready to have the kids back in their routines for school too.

I feel blessed, life is good.  I want to get back into studying for the A+ test because I really feel I can do this.  I have to make time for studying.  I am trying to fit time in for exercise and really need to give the house a good bit of my time as it has really been neglected.  Maybe I will get things caught up and feel as though I can have a clean home, study for a  test, find time for exercise and still have plenty of time for fun... lol wish me luck!

I look forward to white water rafting this weekend (see my new page lol) I just realized blogger made changing your layout and background wayyyyy too easy all the sudden.  I have been using html templates and trying to make one more of my own and then just saw this new button and was all, why do I do this stuff to myself? What the hell is wrong with a quick change, why I don't I use the easy gadgets.  No one really reads the blog other than my most favorite man in the world anyway.... so I figure I can change the blog up from time to time and still keep it all simple. 

I have had review blog.... that I really enjoyed but realize it is too much work too... I will simple post anything about anything all in one blog rather than have pages of other blogs.  I will leave my about me blog as it is easy and lets ya know a little about who is the owner of the very random blog, I will keep my TNT love story blog and hope to write more in it, I will keep writing on my SparkPeople blog about my weight loss... which I plan to link to here in the near future. Other than that....  Everything else about my life will be here on this main blog.

All is well, and I am so looking forward to the three day weekend.  I miss my babies and hope they are having a blast.

Life is good, keep it Simple