Friday, March 26, 2010

I am alive

I am alive and well actually doing pretty well.  Very busy and no time for blogging.  Awwwww I know my one follower missed me! lol

I am simply busy. Nothing major to post either.  Not much going on.  Life is good and I am enjoying it! :)


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Opening day and my son's worst day.

Well yesterday was opening day for baseball.  We were there at 8:45 am to begin opening day ceremonies with a parade, and introduction for all the teams.  Desmond's team played at 10:30 am and it was a good game.  They won 14-4 but it was only a practice game.  He was disappointed because he sat in the dug out a few innings and this is something he is not use to doing, but its life and he got over that.  He was disappointed because his daddy did not show up at the game and he was expecting him there.

The game was over and we were back at home, we called his daddy who said he did not intend on coming to the game, but for Desmond to call him when it was over so he could come get him for his weekend...bull.  I watched him searching looking all around, searching for his dad the entire game.  Someone tell me if its your weekend with your child why wouldn't you go to the ballfield and sit with him?

Prior to the game Desmond was feeling really nauseated, we had to pull over a few times on the way there because he felt like he would vomit but he never did.  He just didn't feel well.

He said he hurt his shoulder too, it was bothering him pretty bad on this day.

He finally got picked up and Thomas and I got ready to drive to Tupelo to visit with his brother who is still in the hospital from his car accident.  On the way there we are not feeling so well, so we start trying to figure out, Desmond was sick this morning and now a few hours later we are feeling icky like an out of body experience or something, nauseated and just not feeling ourselves.  We keep discussing what it may be and deteremined we had a touch of food poisoning from the buffet we ate at the night before, we all three ate the same thing so it was probably in what we ate. I did notice toward the end of my meal that my meat didn't look as done as I would like it and quit eating on it, but we all had already ate some before I noticed it.  Anyway, we get there to Tupelo and visit 1 hour approximately and then I get a call from Kevin. 

"Desmond has cut his leg, and it may need stitches"

I talk to Desmond on the phone who is scared to death, you can hear it in his voice and he wants his momma!

My sweet man gets me home in 2 hours when it usually takes 3 hours to travel one way.  His daddy had him at the ER by the time we got there but I made it before they started sewing him up, this is where he really wanted me, so I am thankful that I was there for it.

He was a big boy and got his stitches and is not doing well, the whole event was a little tramatic at first.  I think because I was not there for him, and he really wanted his momma.

How did he do this?  He walked into some broken glass from a big jar (like a pickle jar or something).  His dad had him near a construction site, his dad knew there was broken glass around there and they "intended" on picking it up but did not, so now my son was hurt and scared for life all over a human error.  I try to say accidents happen, and let it go.... because I know they do. But if there is broken glass... like you break one in the kitchen, do you not instantly get it up to avoid injury?  I know I do, its instinct, hurry and get it up before someone gets cut.  They knew the glass was there broken and they had kids around.  All he did was walk near the glass that he didn't see there and cut his leg wide open.  I know he is my baby, and how momma's can be, so I am going to let this go, but his daddy hurt his feelings that morning and his body that night.... I am not just forgetting about it!

Now Desmond feels his photos and the stitches are what he calls "beast mode" so here are the photos.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

I want a T-Bone

Not a steak.   Not just any T-Bone. I want my T-Bone.  I feel so selfish wanting him here with me while his brother lay in CCU and po T-Bone is sleeping in a waiting room.  That is why I want him here, I am snug as rug in our home and our home is so different without him here.  I miss him.  I know why he is there and really wouldn't dare get upset over it, I only wish I could go with him, but I can't not with the kids.  So since I can't I just wish him home, or at least home safely when he can come home.  I hope his brother continues to improve and gets to come home soon too.

I miss his smile, his touch, his smell, his voice.... I miss his body next to me, I miss him! God he has only been gone one night and I have two more to go, its going to be a long weekend. 

I love that I love him this much and miss him this much after all of these years. The relationship has changed and will continue to change but the love is the same, if not stronger.  :)

I am blessed



I love my dog. He is spoiled rotten, worse than me.  When I got him in January he was not potty trained, and I began right away, he was already 6 months old so I knew deep down my work would be cut out for me.  He started going outside and was doing really well until we got rain/snow and other miscellaneous things that got ME out of my routine with him.  It really in all fairness is not his fault he continues to use the bathroom in my house, its MINE. I was not consistent.  I didn't want to go out at 6 am in the freezin cold just because he needed and wanted to. I didn't want to take his food up and put it back down as I didn't trust my memory enough to remember to feed him later.  I know am in the process of getting out the shop vac and deep cleaning my carpets and cleaning up after this sweet little puppy for what I hope to be the last time.  I got up with him this morning and was proud of myself for doing so at 7 am and got clothes on, and took him out only to find it was wet and raining and he would not go.  I waited 20 minutes and still no pee and no poo.  We came back in and he did poo and pee on his poop pad this time which is always nice when he uses that instead of the hallway carpet or kitchen floor which are his two other favorite places to do his deed.  This will be more of a learning curve for me.... I HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT and that is one thing that I am not.  I never have been at very many things. I don't believe I have a bad character as being inconsistent with important things like paying bills and such, but I do believe when it comes to some a lot of things I can be wishy washy on and not just set my mind to do it.  One minute I say I hate sci-fi the next minute I am all enjoying a movie of that very genre lol.  Wishy washy me. 

Po Rueben.  Hopefully him and I will make it through this and he will be trained to simply let me know when he wants to go outside, he go and I give a treat and that will be the end of it. Wish us both oodles of luck!

On another note with Rueben, you should see this dog and his daddy.  My T-Bone is who I am referring to.  He loves him so much!  They play together and right now Thomas is gone visiting with his brother (who is still in CCU) and the dog is missing his daddy, thats all there is to it.

He is such a joy and wonderful addition to our family, I am so happy and thankful my mother gave him to us as My family has benefited greatly from his loving nature.  He is the best dog I have ever seen or been around my entire life.  He reminds me of a bear, a teddy bear, he thinks he is mean but has the slowest reactions to situations I have ever seen, kinda of like Eyore or something.  I love him so very much and hope he lives with us for many many years, its the kinda of love that I already fear him not living as long as me.  What would I do without him.... he loves me more than my own kids I think lol I mean he has to follow me to the bathroom, or to the kitchen, or anywhere I go afraid he might miss a fart I let or something.  He pisses on me when I come home from work he is so extremely excited to see me.  This dog is love. I don't have to do anything for him, although I do bath him, and buy him toys, and take him for walks and such I dont HAVE to do anything for him to love me.

He is perfect!


On the new job

I have completed 14 days of work at my new job.  In that 14 days I have learned so much.  I have never worked retail, although this is not your usual retail it is still that type of job.  I feel I have dealt with customer service plenty working in the medical field and working as a Medical Assistant for over 10 years, not to mentioned my work prior to that, so that is not new to me.  What is new, dealing with oxygen sales and all the mayham that comes along with that, learning about durable medical equipment and all the many aspects of it, taking over on a huge inventory and organizing and re-arranging, learning the sale of scrubs, obtaining a hug about of prices and compiling a list of prices of all items solds at my company, all of this is new to me.  And, I love it!   There are moments where I am slammed and customers are coming in right after each another and the phone is ringing and I am still learning and may be there by myself and it is a bit stressful, but there are times when I am alone in an empty store with my own thoughts and ideas and that is something I am totally not use to, and I love it! 

This job lets me use my ability to the fullest, I can make forms and re-organize things the way that I want them, and no one cares, they even like what I do.  I am enjoying my co-workers and my employers and feel this was a much needed good move for me. 

Now, I will continue to work on my studying for my A+ certificate and maybe move on to network + and keep at it as a back drop or maybe a career advancement in the future but for now, I am very content in my job and this is a good feeling.  I don't feel like I am wrongly done or mistreated and I don't feel like all my hard work goes unnoticed.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Deadbeat Dads

Destiny's dad has not supported her for the 14 almost 15 years she has existed. He is a grown man with a wife and 4 children who still lives at home with his mother. 

My rant today is addressed to both sperm donors but here is a special situation:
Desmond's dad is ridiculous.  Why I want to make this post at all today is because of the events that have taken place recently involving him.
A few weeks ago he called and said he couldn't get Desmond until Saturday even though he is suppose to get him on Friday nights.  He gave no reason and he really upset Desmond.  Desmond felt his dad just wanted to have fun without him and didn't want to get him.  Don't hurt my boy.... I will hurt you.  I am tired of his daddy doing stupid little things that are bothering Desmond. I am glad though in that same since that Desmond is finally starting to see how he is and who is there for him. 
This Friday  his dad was suppose to pick him up. He called and Desmond told him to pick him up at 7 instead of 4 pm because he had baseball practice. Instead of him doing this he said he would just pick him up for his practice on Saturday at 1:30 (do you see the lost hours here?).  Well we got the emergency call that Mark was invovled in an accident and we were headed to CCU in Mississippi somewhere and it was 9 pm when I called his dad and said "is there anyway you can come get Desmond now?" I explained the accident and that we had to be leaving and he said he couldn't do it.  Then he called back and said he could meet me in Priceville.... which was out of the generally direction we were to be traveling.  By this time I was pissed and didn't want him to get Desmond because he didn't jump when I needed help with his son.... and I can tell you that NEVER have I called him in a time of crisis such as this and asked him to get his son... not to mention on his own damn weekend he was suppose to have him!

Poor Desmond suffered through sleeping in a waiting room and a trip from hell there that night and back, no kid his age should have to do this shit!

I called Kevin on the ride back home and said I will have him home in time for his practice so we could continue as planned because I had no sleep all night and I would be sleeping while he was at practice.  Kevin agreed he would pick him and take him as planned.

THEN!  He called me back and had the nerve to tell me he would come take him for practice but that he wouldn't take him home on Saturday because he didn't have money for gas to drive back on Sunday.


Thomas and I had plans to see the Wizard of Oz and Desmond would have been home alone as his sister was at her sperm donors house this weekend and Desmond was suppose to be at his.  Plus, Desmond was wanting to go and spend time with his dad!

So Thomas and I offered to give the man gas money so he may spend time with his child this weekend.  I sent Desmond to practice with  20 bucks gas money to give his dad so his daddy could take care of him on this weekend.  Luckily Kevin lives with his mom and dad so Desmond will be fed and seen to by them because as it is doesn't seem Kevin could even feed our son for the weekend he had him.

I understand everyone has it rough sometimes and if it was just a rough time for him I wouldn't be venting and bitching about it here.  But this man will not do anything to better himself.  He will not work a real job, and if he does get one he loses it or quits it like they are easy to come by or something. He can work at McDonalds for all I care, he should be doing something and not whining and feeling sorry for himself!

I lost my job 2 weeks before Christmas and I can tell you since I lost my job and before then I have not received one dime from his dad for child support to just to help me out through my rough time.  I did not beg and borrow from family and didn't even have to take much money from my sweet little man who was more than willing to help me if I needed it.  I manged my money wisely, filed my taxes and used my income tax return and busted my ass trying to find a job to get back to work.  Which I did! It took me three long months of no income and in that three long months neither of my children's sperm donors helped me or asked if I even needed anything, no child support no nothing!

I just received my first pay check for only 4 days of work on Friday, and even though I have struggled to make it and I had to fork out money to sign Desmond up for baseball, and buy him his supplies and pay for his uniform and all of that.... even though all of that happened I gave his damn dad 20 bucks for gas to get my son home from his house this weekend.

Why the hell I wound up with two deadbeat dads I will never understand. Hell one child support for one kid would help me greatly.

Thomas is my support and of course he pays for bills around and stuff, but I don't generally go to him to help me with them. Although he offers. He bought Desmond his helmet this year because he needed a new one.  He has bought each of them clothes when they are in need and helped me out too much.  I don't feel I should have to get his help (even though he doesn't mind). I try hard as hell to do everything for him on my own and I do accomplish it mostly that way. If I got child support I could only imagine the fun the kids would get to have. Vacations, movies, nice clothes, more after school activites and less of mom saying "No baby I am sorry I can't afford it". I make good money and I am capable of taking care of my children and I am not too good to go work at McDonald's or somewhere just to keep my children fed and clothed and a roof over their head. Had I not found a job in a few more weeks (when all my resources were depleated) I would have done just that, worked wherever I needed to. 

How can these people call themselves dads and how can they want to appear so weak and useless to their children? I pride myself and showing them good character and how you have to work for what you get in life and little bit work never hurt anyone!!!!! 

Damn lazy ass pittyful, useless, stupid men.  Here is a letter I want to write addressed as follows:

To the two deadbeat sperm donors of my marvelous children:

You are sperm donors and absolutely, positively nothing more! MY children may not know it or see it just yet and I wont sit and diminish you to them, I wont tell them how lousy you are and how they could have more if you were doing your part, I wont be the bad guy shooting their dad that they love down all the time, No, I wont be the one to help them realize just the type person you are.  My children will see it with their own eyes. My children will feel it in their own hearts.  My children will realize who is there for them and who loves them more than anything or anyone else in the whole world. My children will grow to be intellegent, adults with good character and skill set with the ability to work and care for their family. My children will never be like you. Because my children will see who you are and how both of you live with your parents and are both grown men, one of you even has a wife and children but yet you can't take care of them and live with your mother? My children already see things that are not right, they already feel the neglect that you have done and continue to do to them and they deserve such better than you. You are both horrible fathers and should not have the priviledge of calling these two wonderful, loving people your child because you suck so terribly bad.  You better take their love that they choose to give you now and cherish it because your actions make you at risk of losing their affection toward you as they are growing up and maturing you are not appearing to them in the same vision they had at one time seen you in. They eyes are more focused and they notice these things now on their own. You can never blame me for the fact that Destiny will soon decide she doesn't want to come to your house every other weekend because she wants to have her friends and get a job and do things with the people who care for her and do things with her.  You can never blame me when Desmond decides he rather stay home and with his friends then go spend a few hours with his dad because of all the weekends his dad chose to do the same.  I am not the blame of your relationship with your child what you have done and continue to do to them is what shapes your relationships with them.

Thomas is a much better dad to them then either of you. He makes rules and makes them mind, he makes them work for things, and he doesn't take crap off of them.  This makes him not as loveable to the children. They view him as not their dad and how their dad lets them do anything when he is with them, they see things toward Thomas as negatives because he is not their real dad, but I am seeing and will continue to see their bond grow more. Them come to Thomas for help and assistance with projects and tasks because they know their own dad is too stupid or wont take time for them to help them.  They are seeing where Thomas buys them a dress or helmet or something that is needed when mom didn't have the money. They are seeing that I gave you gas money so that you wont neglect your son this weekend. Oh yes, these things and many many more are noticed and not that you have to spoil them, but they see who is there and who provides for them the essentials in material as well as character building things for them.  We will reap a reward for our hard work and the efforts we have made with them, that reward will be love and affection from two of the best people in the world.

When Destiny walks down the isle at graduation and they say the parents of Tonya and Thomas and  your name is not mentioned at all, don't you dare say a thing to her or me, you are not a parent.... you are sperm donor!

When Desmond is hitting home runs and playing ball so well and  you decide to show up to the game, don't you dare say "that's my son" because you have not earned that honor, and I would hate to shoot you down in front of the world by calling you out and saying since that's your son when was the last time you gave support to him? When did I see you go spend time with him playing ball?  Didn't I ask you one weekend to take him to the batting cages but you couldn't find time to do so?  What about the time I asked you to take him to get a hair cut but you couldn't seem to manage that?  Don't you generally do something for YOUR children? I don't think you have that right to consider him your boy since I don't recall a single thing you have went out of your way to do for him. The simple tasks I just mentioned seem like impossible missions for you, how do you consider yourself his father?  The only thing you did was donate sperm.

You both suck, I am tired of arguing and fighting and courts and such you haven't been in front of a judge now in 10 years.  I raise these children with the help of Thomas for last 8 years and they are our kids. You have priviledges that are out of my hands as you are the sperm donors but from here own out any priviledge you may be honored with that I am aware of as far as the children are concerned will be awarded to Thomas. He will be listed as father on all their school papers instead of me saying NA since you are not applicable to be their father.  He will be acknowledged when they accomplish something and the opportunity arises for us to be honoroed as their parents it will be us, you will not exsist!

I despise you and no longer have pitty or feel sorry for your lack of efforts.  You have missed out on so much and it is not because we are not together, it is simply because of the choices you have made. 

That's all.

The wonderful caring mother of your sperm,

Tragic weekend

The weekend started for me by leaving work on Friday and heading to the ballfield.  Staying there until 7:30 pm and heading home.  Getting home and trying to decide what we might want to eat for dinner.  Thomas and I had planned on heading out to Hard Dock to watch his friend perform in his band Radio Tremors.  But an unforseen even took place.  We received a call around 8 pm that said that Thomas' brother Mark was invovled in an accident and they were trying to locate him.  The message said something about he was ejected from the vehicle and hurt pretty bad.  We later heard he may be at a hospital in Memphis.  We started searching, many family members were calling around trying to locate him.  Finally his mother spoke to the trooper that was at the scene and got more of the story.  Mark was taken by MED Flight to a hospital in Tupelo.  He was not driving the car but a another woman was.  She was also taken by MED Flight but to Memphis. We loaded up the car with and headed that way.  We made it to Tupelo by the time we knew where he was and everything it was 12:30 am when we arrived. The people at the CCU were really nice and let the family go on back to see him. 

At first we were thinking he is pretty banged up but doesn't appear to be anything life threatening.  Broken ribs, whole in his lung that was under control, knot on his head that they were watching.  Then, we find out that the knot on his head is bleeding out and they are some concerns there and that it was not actually a whole in his lung, but that his lung collapsed and they had to inflate it by putting a whole in the lung.  Later we find out his leg is all messed up, like doesn't even look like a leg anymore.  Then they find that his arm is all bandaged up. He has road rash that his literally ripped the skin from his body in numerous places.  But we are still thinking he has nothing life threatening and he is in the right place to get taken care of.

Then, the family meets with the doctor.  They talk about bleeding in his chest internally and trying to figure out why he is bleeding.  They give him a blood transfusion in hopes that this will help him heal quicker as he is a very tiny man only maybe 110 lbs (that is my guess).  Thomas and I head home. Desmond was suppose to be picked up by his dad (which boy do I ever have another post coming about that!)  and had baseball practice, Thomas and I had tickets to see The Wizard of OZ last night and Cody had an appt to pick up his new uniform for his new job.  Plus, Cathy wanted to come back with her own car so she could stay or go anytime she wanted, she wasn't in the right state to drive there on Friday night.  So we all headed home. 

We were resting and trying to catch up on sleep when we got another call.  There have been other events.  Mark's chest is pretty much crushed, when he breaths his ribs and chest is rubbing on his collapsed lung and if this continues the lung will become a bloody mushy mess.  The doctor said he is going to put a trach tube in his mouth and place him on a ventilator which basically means he will not be breathing on his own.  This is scary.  Now the family worries this is very serious and he is not just a banged up real good, he is actually in a life threatening state.  He is "put under" for the next 4-5 days and on a ventilator for now still all beat up and stuff but now he is actually resting instead of suffering from all the pain.

The family is strained as it is a 3 hour drive to get there to him and get back.  Everyone works and has responsibilities and they all want to be there with him too.  I pray that he heals quickly and thoroughly and that this experience will teach him and he will re-evaluate way the choices he has taken and work toward living a healthier, happier life. 


Clapton vs Daltrey

Clapton said all of 2 words no literally two words. They were thank you.  Not sure if this is normal for him or not, maybe he is just ooberly talented which the man makes a guitar talk in like 15 different languages he fucking rocks and there is no way to ever deny him of that.  That being said, he is no show man.  He puts on a not so good performance or at least he does now or at least he did last night.  He went from one song straight to another, he did at least come back for an encore.  I still am a fan and still feel this man as more talent in his little finger than I have in my whole body (well when it comes to certain things ;-)  hehe ), but impressed with the concert I was not, I am chalking it up to the fact that he is getting older and maybe this is just his nature and how he always is but I don't know if I can forgive the Tears in Heaven and Lay Down Sally songs for being totally ignored and left out.  He played for 1 hr and 35 minutes.  That is all.

Roger Daltrey on the other hand is a performer!  He rocks so hard! He may not always sound the best but he will damn sure lose his voice in trying his best.  He sounded awesome for the most part and I could have watched / listened to him for longer than the 50 minutes he was alotted, from the sound of him he was just warming up and would have been more than willing to play where Clapton was lacking.

I was thoroughly entertained during Clapton though but not what was happening on stage as much as I was with the group of folks in front of me.  Some gals dancing one in particular who was dancing like she lost her pole and was about to have a fit to find it, some arguing between some old woman and a man and then a man who felt compailed to lift his cane up in the air as a solute (I suppose) to Eric Clapton, he did this not once, not twice, but most of the 1 hr and 35 minutes of the performance.

I had a mixed drink which costed Thomas $7.50 cents that tasted like watered down cranberry juice but then found me a mixed frozen drink at the tiki place that was yummy and all was well.

Overall the trip was lovely, traffic was not a nightmare and I enjoyed my evening with my man listening to some great music and watching some highly talented individuals perform.