Saturday, January 30, 2010

Let's talk about ME, me, ME, Me

My roots are now over an inch long with an uncomfortable amount of gray blended in. I have not colored my hair since around October so there is a reason for such a horrible site. I neglect myself horribly and there is no reason or excuse.

Maybe its just laziness.

I haven't painted my nails (fingers or toes) since well before Christmas.

I am aware that some women would faint at such a realization but I am not that fancy smancy type.

However, like all women it makes me feel good to pamper myself.

It is not a hard task to do. For example plucking eyebrows, they need it badly, it only takes a few minutes, I can do it while watching TV for heaven sakes but I wait until there is no way to go without doing it before it gets done.

Sometimes I feel I am the only woman in the world who neglects herself so much, but then I stop and think, there is no way I am the only one. There are too many mothers out there and if you are mom you are instinctual trained your needs and wants fall second to others needs and wants.

I believe my self deterioration began when I had babies so young. I remember a time I never left the house without full make-up and spending 20 minutes on the hair (before age 18). Now I shower, get ready with a dab of makeup and a brief fix of the hair all in 20 minutes (after age 19). I rush to get ready even when I have no need to rush. I don't even have a job and I rush to get ready when I am home alone all day and having nothing other to do than pamper myself. It had to have began when I was rushing to get two children ready and take them two different places before going to work, rushing home to tend to them, feed them, clean after them and bath them all to be so exhausted when I was done that I could absolutely care less about my hairy legs and they can wait another damn day, only to find it had been almost a week and my legs would resembled a porcupine. I HAVE TIME NOW and for the looks of it will continue to have time rather I work or not since my children no longer need me to bath, dress, or even feed them. I just need to re-train myself that it is ok to indulge in myself. It is ok to spend hours on end playing with my hair to find new styles, trying new make up techniques to feel unique and beautiful, panting my nails and then taking it off and re-painting if I didn't particularly like that end result. It is ok to soak in the tub for an hour if I want to. It is ok to take the time even if it interferes with others wants and needs to go for a walk, or pop in an exercise disk and have them watch me sweat, moan and cry to try to complete the exercise (at least it is something for me). No one cares if I do these things! T-Bone tells me all the time to do whatever I want, he is totally supportive of anything I want or need to do. My kids do things on their own a lot we have to almost make family time together so they wouldn't mind if I said I am going to spend the next two hours doing nothing but taking care of me, they would feel I deserve it too. I am the only one who neglects me. Old habits are hard to break.

Example: I worked at a dry cleaners, if I had 1000 shirts to press in a day, it didn't matter if I finished in 6 or 8 or 10 hours I got paid for 8 hours. On the most part this job was AWESOME! I could go in as early as I wanted, sometimes 4 am and I would get off as early as I wanted depending on hard I work. On average we pressed 700-1000 shirts a day (no lie) but with heavy industrial presses and such you can knock out 150 to 200 shirts in an hour basically because you have three presses running at once. Anyway, back to my point. I would grab a bite to eat as quickly as possible as to not have to miss out on actually work time to get to go home that much earlier. This during the time that my kids were babies, I was working in a sweat shop literally, and it would have been a waste of time to put makeup on or fix the hair going into that place every day. So I never got fixed up to go to work, and it was acceptable to go to work wearing shorts and a tank top because even in the winter time it was 100 degrees in that place. I didn't give myself time to eat lunch so I made a habit of scarfing my food down as quickly as possible. I also made a habit of not getting fixed up. I worked at this place for 6 years. I have since grown into different fields and different responsibilities all to which have made it damn near impossible to re-train myself, due to the time frames I was given.

I am 33 years old. I am a beautiful person inside and out and I deserve to fix these horrible habits and make time for myself. I have blogged about doing this for far too long, I will do it once and forget about me again, and do it again and forget about me. Maybe now I can re-train myself.

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