Friday, November 13, 2009

Not enough time.

I suck. I feel like a lousy mom. I love and care for my children and this they are well aware of. But, they have grown up and changed before my very eyes. They have interests, ideas, jokes and stories that I have never heard. They are their own little selves. They are not my babies to flaunt anymore. They are Destiny and Desmond. Yep. Their own people. This is a good thing. It doesn't mean I suck as a parent. What makes me suck is that I NEVER have one on one time with them. I never make that time. We have family time and time together, but never just mother/daughter or mother/son time. I need this. They may not lol But I DO! They are growing too fast and will be adults the next time I blink.

I took Destiny shopping on Sunday and then again on Tuesday as she went grocery shopping with me. That was two nights to hear her new way of talking (all teenager and stuff). Two nights of fun just us girls. Two nights that I rarely ever take with her. I think I enjoyed more than she did, but she did seem tickled to have our time together.

Desmond and I have not had one on one time in so long I could not possibly remember it. Time for me to "play" with him. Just go out for ice cream or something. Time together. We need this! I need this!

Thomas and I have time together. We don't use our time together wisely, like most couples we sometimes get caught up in what we are doing and take for granted what we have. I am probably more popular at doing this than he is, but no one is perfect. He is great about our date night and trying to ensure that we as a couple do something every week. For this I am grateful.

I should be more like that with the kids. Make a date night with them. Monday night is Destiny's night. Rather we do each other's hair and nails, or go out shopping, or go for a walk/talk. Monday should be her night. No cell phone/ texting, no boys... just us. Its a tradition we could set, even as she gets older (being that she doesn't move too far away, oh the fear!) we could try to dedicate one night a week to each other. Desmond's night could be Tuesday, a night where I do whatever it is Desmond wants me to do.....see I have lost touch with him so much I don't really know what he would want from me on such a night, but I feel in my heart he would greatly appreciate me giving this to him. I think it may make me happy and I can feel like less of a failure as a parent. I mean I dish out rules and punishment and then feel guilty about sticking to them. I feel this way because I don't feel I take enough time with them JUST them to be punishing them so much, or I feel that I make their world nothing but negative since there is never a moment for positive. Just a time where mom says I love you enough to give you one evening out of my hectic week. Because I do love them that much. I would give them my entire world if there was only a way.

I will hopefully continue to have Date nights with Thomas. He has his own little projects with the light show and things that he gets involved with that he shouldn't mind the separation on the nights that I give the kids and Wednesday night I will be all his!

Thursday night... well that night. That night will be MINE. all mine. A night to be lazy and go to bed at 8 if I want lol like I did last night. A night to pamper myself or get out and shop for myself or do something for me.

Friday-Sunday is up in the air, whatever we do we do. The kiddos go away every other weekend, so Sunday night should be FAMILY night......and the rest we just fill in with whatever.

Right now I am not involved in activities, the kids are not in after school activities and Thomas is doing nothing that would interfere with this schedule. Schedules can change, but the time together is something that I will regret not making time for. Not scheduling it in with the chores and responsibilities. 1 hour or 2 hours or 3 hours whatever we decided to do, its precious hours of time that I use to have with them and I have somehow over the years lost them. As they continue to get older, I will continue to lose more and more time with them.... I have to schedule myself in there somewhere!

Life is good, I am coming full circle with some of my feelings and issues lately. I am realizing some of my problems and trying to focus on correcting them. Life is hard enough with the burdens of bills, and chores and HAVE to dos that the family and loved ones get pushed back and pushed back. Family is first. Not second in my life. FIRST. I need to show this to my children more and set that example that hopefully they will take on to their children. My kids are really awesome and I can learn a lot from them!

Have you taken time with your kids lately? Have you made time in your busy schedule to "play" with them?

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